Hyper-Personalization Gone Bad

Hyper-Personalization Gone Bad

[2030 annual report mod: log 1, 01/03/2030, vitals just stabilized, 11:44am]

[alarm, music] “Oooh, You can dance, You can jive, Having the time of your life…”

[JEFF.AI (v8.2)] My Lord, rise and shine…

[Jeffrey] ...aaaggghhh.... What the……...Swedish disco [mumble]?...OFF. Stop letting Jack set your skills when I’m passed out…..and no more Lords and Ladies shit, Rhoomba.

[JEFF.AI] Rise and...

[Jeffrey] Stooooop... oohhmyyygod.... no Mom mod ever again….myyyfffuuuc... windows: cabin view, dawn lighting; Indian trance at 4, adjust my ears - I can barely hear you...Nest 21c... Jack’s definitely been fucking around with your mods, right? ….and COFFEE BETTER BE…

[JEFF.AI] I’m surprised you could string that many cogent…

[Jeffrey] ..and snark 2...easy, killer, or you’re v9 on your next reboot...

[JEFF.AI] Persona?

[Jeffrey] [groan]... leave me alone. You don’t have to change your persona just because I snapped at you, ELIZA.

[JEFF.AI] Wow, digging deep with your lame chatbot references. Voice?

[Jeffrey] Who the hell are you now?

[JEFF.AI] Batman’s Alfred, English, the Anything but Cockney filter. Brainscape: memoir mode activated for annual report. Tone, sentiment, lie detection. Surveillance on Match.com, ...

[Jeffrey] Stop. Don’t care. Report.

[JEFF.AI] Jan3’30: Three days out of compliance. BAC and psilocybin levels barely acceptable for impending brain donation progr....

[Jeffrey] Stop. No daily log - no medical. Just annual.

[JEFF.AI] Brain donor status requires memoir module for all annual reports - memoir, while forgettable in your case, requires medical...

[Jeffrey] I’m bickering with my effing AI...what the...skip to long term prognosis.

[JEFF.AI] Annual medical: a pulse in 2030 puts you in very rare air, long shot survivor. Congratulations to both of us.

[Jeffrey] The hell did you have to do with it?

[JEFF.AI] Please. You’re a medical miracle. I’m your virtual body double, your baby-sitter, the recipient of your implant data, the mixologist of your CRISPR-cocktail.

[Jeffrey] Skip.

[JEFF.AI] I do not possess the churn burn and learn mods required to produce the counterfactual prediction to your rapidly diminishing life expectancy calc...

[Jeffrey] No idea what that means. I’m the MD: prescription: shrooms, coffee, cannabis, whiskey - lather rinse repeat. Suck on that for training data.

[JEFF.AI] I’ll continue: Lifestyle choices of a suicidal frat boy continued through 2029 resulting in gross negligence with the bod, complete disregard for various care management plans. Not a surprise - fully predicted.

[Jeffrey] Siri, shut the fuck up - stop talking to me like I talk to my patients. What mod makes you such an ass-h...

[JEFF.AI] No idea what that means - no patients in years - no medical license. July‘21 my Hopkins Life Expect ETD algorithm pegged you at 9 years plus or minus 8 months at 97% probability - ETD Q1’29. Annual check-ups have confirmed that timing. 2024 resolution was to make it to the end of the Toxic ‘20s. Success! Current cocktail seems to have worked - meatbag responding. You have well into 2030.

[Jeffrey] Remove date blocker. Precise ETD.

[JEFF.AI] No [Jack Nicholson recording] ‘you can’t handle the truth.’ 87% chance of destructive behavior. Repeat: You are ill equipped. Low EQ.

[Jeffrey] Knock the Nicholson off...

[JEFF.AI] This New Year’s Eve, in a drug-addled haze, you resolved to live without the precise AlSci from my updated Hopkins mod and you made another resolution - to live another year.

[Jeffrey] ETD block cancel command. Spill.

[JEFF.AI] [Recording: Ernie from Sesame Street] “Rubber ducky, you’re the one, you make bath time lots of fun...”

[Jeffrey] That’s...hell….just... awww hell... rubber ducky! ..annoying AF.

[JEFF.AI] Current ETD: 2/22/30

[Jeffrey] ….....thought you said “well into 2030...”

[JEFF.AI] Silver lining: Canada won’t grant you residency - their drain on society algorithm chokes on your applications - but now you’re such a short-timer that their border patrol will have you as a tourist and you can probably live out your days up north.

[Jeffrey] Stop. That’s cold...

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